The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
ttyl tear gas
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
