I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Quick, to the slutcave!
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
