Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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