I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
