I need to stop coming to work sober
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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