you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
