What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
