When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Randomize
