oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
