her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
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I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
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there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
whose parrot is this?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
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