I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
