so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
