what day is it and did you see me today?
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
