my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I forgot wine drunk hurts
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
