I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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