420 ftw
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
