I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Randomize
