I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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