He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
