It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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