Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
