My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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