He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize