This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
