He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Send help, water and tortillas.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
