he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
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