I have demons in me.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
