funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
