im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
