you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
