I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
