You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
