I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
he told me I talked like a deaf person
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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