Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Randomize
