Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
she peed on how many people?
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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