My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
