i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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