ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
