Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
His hands were made for my vagina.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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