I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
