So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
50% drunk capacity currently
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Randomize
