did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
