Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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