why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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