The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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