I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
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No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
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apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
The uberlube is also flammable
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
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