Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
