Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
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