pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
