So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
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