Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
