Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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