So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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