And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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