Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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