i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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