i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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