I was born with a shot glass in my hand
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
